Chased By My Ego….

22 years old.

Fresh Navy SEAL.

Sitting at home.

Enjoying.

Relaxing.

Zooming out.

Gotta relax a lil bit..

Gotta take off my unifrom tiny bit.

The soldier wants to rest..

1 weekend, can I dare to disconnect?

I’ve been doing already more than required..

Let me recover..

Weekend started, weeknd’s over.

Ring ring ring..

I can’t believe it.

Not my officer.

Not my officer.

Not my officer.

Yes my officer.

“Listen, sorry, a surprise:”

“You have to be tomorrow at the base for a test run.”

Just not that one.

A test run?

Friday, running..

After 3 years of service.

What the what?!!??!?!

I had a knee injury back then and I didn’t participate in any excessive physical training but my own swimming, physiotherapy etc.. Running didn’t feel right.. but I could still roller blade because of the smoothness and low impact on the joint.

Backwards….

A few months earlier I went to the sports shop with a SEAL mate and decided we’re buying skateboards. Gotta fool around a little bit.. and enjoy our free time.. it’s keeps you in shape anyways..

Upon entering the store, I was eye gazed by the roller blades stand and it was love at first sight.

I changed my mind and bought the best pair they had + protective gear.

I didn’t skate for maybe 10–13 years and I didn’t really know what I was doing but my get feeling was telling me- “Get those hot wheels!”

Forwards….

I roller blade and roller blade and roller blade and roller blade and roller blade.

I can’t seem to stop.

Too much fun.

I literally push my limits so further than I used to because the fun just can’t leave me alone.

Roller blading is some sort of improved running when you think about it, it allows you to use so much of your body, in such a subtle way, almost like dancing, yet intesified booty workout.. you’re booty is constanly on fire!

I didn’t run for months time.. and by then I was high on roller blading and swimming drugs.

The run test was a surprise, especially the fact that I had to come since I wasn’t running with my team or unit for a long time.

But since I was graded second best runner in my team and I had to go since the championship of the IDF fitness was suddenly announced and everyone had a month to prepare before the big day.

It all starts by picking the right candidates with sufficient potential to take the championship with minimum training. After all, a month is not too long to spike fitness to a comptetive level.

Yet, we were the SEALs, and we are known for maintaining our asses solid around the year and keeping it tough, especially in the sand dunes, where it all takes place annualy.

Friday, test run, run test — Whatever.. Arriving to my base with a squeezed lemon face, wanting to finish with it as fast as possible.

We were told to put ammunition and water in our vasts, wear ‘normal’ uniform and sports shoes.. (such an ugly look) and get ready to cruise down the beach. Our back yard.

We started pacing slowly and then the fitness officer suddenly fired up and ran away.. Fu%$Ck that ShI$%T! What is he doing?

Everyone seemed to be surprised by this act and started chasing him..

Our fitness officer was in his 40’s but he was definitely still at the top 5% of the fittest SEALs.

I was puzzleheaded to see everyone behind me.. I was like: “Why is everyone running that slow?”

Whatever, I will just continue hopping around until it’s all over..

I was just not motivated because they forced me to come to that day and it was the main thing that bothered me inside.

I keep on hopping around the deep sand, sand dunes, tidal water.. little creeks that flow into the sea..

I am looking around me, and this cool guy starts laughing with me.. before the fitness officer shuts our both mouths quickly enough to hate the moment again..

But my resistence was over.. it was a nice day after all (weather wise) and I just got into the rhythm and was flowing effortlessly with it…

Without noticing, 3/4 of the guys were snailing behind and I found myself running with a tiny group ahead.. still chasing that tough officer that wants to exhaust us and see who quits or drags behind.

I wasn’t sure what was going around me at that point: I seemed to be hopping around gently while everyone was breathing heavily.. and that cool guy came once again to tell me, smiling: “Hey, we’re going together!”

I was thinking to myself: Sure, let’s see how this is all going to end first.. becasue I am not running actually..

The run test was over and we were just a tiny bunch of bustards who kept the pace.

I was approached by some mates who greeted my fitness performance.. At the end of that day I felt awesome, high, strong, capable.

I went home and tried to back track my habits that might have lead to that fitness.. hmmm: “Maybe everyone got lazy or just didn’t really care about it?”

I wasn’t sure what to think.. but I was certain the roller blading booty burning was part of that.

Sunday morning I was told I got into the SEAL representatives and I am going for the solo course that’s called “Sea Test” (or something like that= sounds horrible in English)

The Sea Test constitutes of a:

1. 1k run down the cliffy dunes.
2. Hips high water immersion.
3. 1k run up the cliffy dunes.
4. An obstacle course of fence crawling, rope climbing, wall passing and all sorts of ‘funny’ stations.
5. Shooting range straight after this whole party.

It takes around 7–14 minutes depends who you’re asking. But one thing is certain - it will leave you breathless.

Something to mention: The SEALs took the championship 10 consecutive years (or something like that)

So it was big pride for me to participate and I just couldn’t really say no anyways hah.. The SEALs took its importance as it were a top operation.

I was taken away from my team for the next month and all I’ve seen was sand dunes and shooting ranges.

I still couldn’t really believe my fitness as I was starting to understand that perhaps many of us, are never really aware of the hidden potential of our abilities until we get/give an opportunity, a chance or maybe just life teases you beyond your imagination so you just accidenlty realize that informally.

In the training, I was the srongest runner and another guy was the strongest at the obastacle course.. so every time, someone else would take first place.

The boss of our group was the cool guy from the run test and he participated in that exact championship just last year. So he was the one to guide us and to follow us through and as well, booty burn himself together with us on the dunes since he was still one of the representators.

The day has arrived.

The SEALs took us to a nice hotel a night before to disconnect from everything and to be hyper focused on the challenge.

We had a very nice dinner and were instructed to go to sleep super early as our F. Instructor was very excited about waking up way too early..

I can’t rememeber now but we woke up probably around 04:00 to drink bitter black coffee and to eat a piece of bread with honey (a precise recipe from the master)

It allows you to warm up your body and to go to the toilet as many times as needed so you won’t bring your shit to the championship.

Of course, we arrived first.. we were actually waiting for hours.. it was a bit nervewrecking as it’s extremely exciting and at some point you just want to get over it and move on.. the bumpiness is eating you inside as there a lot of pressure on you that day to perform your best.

Something to mention: Even though every runner is own his own, the total score of every unit is what counts at the end to take the championship. There is not real significance for your own score. It’s a competition between the units.

The time has come and it all began.

Groups of 4 soldiers each 2 minutes or so were to begin in order to avoid too many people on one obstacle and creating a traffic jam of soldiers in one of the stations.

I was in the absolute last group of 4 so I got to see the whole military performing..

I was mind-bombarded by the lack of fire.. There was maybe 1/10 soldiers that made it up running the cliffy sand dune.. they were all walking up slowly and heavily.

During the obstable course, many of them failed to pass successfully a station so they were automatically out!

My time was getting closer and my guts were upside down caused by the sheer exhilaration I was experiencing.

My boss said that I will be the leader of the pack since I was the fastest runner and from that moment on, each one of us, will be on his own.

It was 1 minute to our time as my SEAL mate gave me a penetrating look and told me in a cool voice: “Sorry, it’s not your day”.

I couldn’t believe he said that.. after all the brotherhood we’ve been through… it felt so overwhelmingly cold and unnecessary.

Luckily, I didn’t have much time or mental space to digest it..

Our both girlfriends were there, waiting for us.. cheering and screaming at the final point (they were allowed in since they were both soldiers at the time)

We ran and ran and ran and ran and it felt great….. finally, to feel the front wind on your pace and to release all these hormones, like a horse back in the wilderness.. meant to be running..

All the preparation was channelled into this explosive moment.. and we are running.. running almost too fast..

It’s me leading, and I feel unstoppable..

My roller blading booty is kicking ass and I can’t seem to relax…

It was the fastest of all training certainly.. but it felt much easier since the drive was so strong.. it took it all way!

I am arriving to the top of the cliffy dune observing the 8 meter ropes hanging and waiting to be climbed.. I am on it, killing it!

I am crawling in the concrete tubes.. I am still first.. I can’t relax to even look.

Another climb of 8 meters rope.. and I am eating them like spaghetti.

Sliding down, I am looking on to my right and seeing my buddy passing me!!! the cold mate that left me bitter right before starting! Coincidently, he was the best in our team at the obstacle course and he was passing them one by one like free candies.. he was better, I couldn’t take it from him.

At that moment all I could think about was to pass him.. I didn’t really care about anything else..

The sheer enthusiasm turned into a mixed anger sort of feeling and I wanted to take him over so badly!

Crawling fence.. my boss is screaming my name loudly and tells me to get off! (my boss was the 3rd fastest and was very strong at both running and the obstacles)

I don’t understand what the hell is he screaming about since I am running ahead.. (apparently one of the slow soldiers from the other units was snailing inside and blocking his entrance.. haha that was absolutely hilarious — he thought it was me)

A few more obstacles to go and my mate is just 15 meters ahead of me..

There was an open area of 80 meters where I could close down the distance and catch this bustard!!!

I am just 5 meters behind him.. as we start running up the hill for the shooting range..

All the world is screaming on me and him and cheering like it’s the Super Bawl..

All sorts of freak SEALs wanting to see us breaking the record, or fighting over the first place, or just beating the other SEAL sub-unit… So much pride.. So much pressure.. So much noise..

My heart beat at that moment was probably close to a wild hyena being chased by a ferious lioness.. The edge of the edge.

I am closing the distance 4…..3….2…. meters as it all seemed like a slow motion moment in life.. I remember that so so clearly as we were trained to operate at these high peak moments.

Something to mention: The shooting range score has a great impact on the total score of every runner and that’s why every runner MUST walk before entering and get his rifle ready in position in front and to take off the balloons we put in advance to avoid the sand and water into our devices and mechanisms.

Me and my mate.. clearly are not going to walk as our egos are flooded over the top and spilling on one another.

We are running as fast as we can as we enter together to the shooting range.. breathing way too heavily, being even slightly disoriented and clumsy..

There we go.. Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam Bam! 6 bullets!!!

Every runner has two targets.. either you miss it, shoot the core, or hit the preripheral unimportant areas.

Long story short.

Me and my mate arrived first in all the championship by far and gave a score so rear that perhaps it was an all time record.

Me and my mate didn’t get the full score as we missed some of our shots casued by extreme fatigue. (it was an easy shooting range, let’s be honest here)

Me and my mate didn’t get the personal medals as our scores were lower than the ones who ran slower but shot better. (the boss took the golden)

We took number 1 at the championship with our overall score.

We were stupidly happy and proud.

We had a free week to rest at home after the championship and all I could think about was taking my equipment, driving to an obstable course where a friend served as an officer and try to break the all times record.

I never did it.. and I am happy I didn’t or maybe I am not, but it’s definitely something to think about.

This ego of ours.. what does it want?

Is it us or is an independant body fighting with us?

Is it bad or is good?

Is it primitive or modern?

Who are we without this ego?

How could we turn that ego to our favor?

How to know when to quiet that ego down?

A life witout ego is a life without ambitions?

Is the ego our self talk?

Is the ego our higher selves?

How will we protect ourselves without an ego… will us just remain innocent and fragile?

1 thing I know for certain..

This ego thing, or self pride or whatever keeps on chasing me and my history.

Shouldn’t I be extremely proud of our acheivement together or should I be bothered that I fell for the “ego-trap”? Disappointed not to be the best of the best of the best all the fu%4cking Freaking time?!

I should learn to let go of those, and continue fresh.. knowing that I am not my results and my trophies but perhaps the values of the man behind those, is what gives the man a higher value.. but who admires number 1s? What we really love is good friends, real friends, friends that care about us and want the best for us..

Yeah, they can push us to the summits of life.. and if by chance we surpass them.. they are even far way happier. Because they put us first.

There is no reason to chase our egos and definitelly not allow it to chase us.. it’s self-destructive and it’s endless.. It is going to win.. So let’s try to relax the competitiveness and go for excellence. Let’s be the best at what we do without the need to be first, or admired for our trophies.. but to serve as a role model, a humble one that is being admired by his good deeds.

…

What can I say, I’ll do my best to be a better friend.

I guess, that would be a worthwhile throphy I would put next to my bed.. Daydreaming about.