She Kissed Me Like A Dog
But only because I was barking and licking
Yesterday I received a peculiar ‘Like’ from a peculiar girl.
“Who’s that, I don’t remember her” I was thinking to myself.
I sent her a message asking whether we know each other (we had no chat history) Before she was able to respond, my memory slapped and then caressed me: “ohhhhhhh, she actually crossed my mind a few times”
Brazilian Summer 2015–2016. Arriving, equipped with ridiculous confidence, wealth, well being, fitness- The fire in my eyes was never so fierce. I was on top on the game called life and no one could even try to stop me.
Living in the highest house of the village, half constructed, half open for the wilderness, I was able to soak up life to the fullest: Waking up for a healthy home-made meal munched on a rock, 4 hours straight of hammock book reading, Paddling and surfing for another few hours, and for desert- maybe some guests over or a night run on the beach/hike up the mountain.
We were living in the Atlantic forest, overlooking the whole bay and accessible only by a muddy trail of 15m walk.
Why not, this luxus-bedouin lifestyle was a result of years of hardship, I felt deserveworthy.
I was in my ‘superman’ phase, nothing could bother nor hurt me.
And it was fun, oh yes it was fun to fly too high and laugh out life with no breaks or limits.
I never saw a crashing course in the horizon, not even considering this possibility. How can I ever crash if I am getting stronger every damn day?!
Hello you! this lovely young girl was crossing my path, she was working for some friends in the village, temporarily, cutting the South-American trip to soak up the vibes of our fishermen village.
She was friendly and outgoing, so after a few days I invited her to come over for dinner.
We loved loved loved to bring people over! strangers became our best friends in hours: the vibes were ‘out the roof’ and the simplicity of our house and lifestyle mixed with the honor of hosting people just made a very special impact.
She came over, it was obvious we had some ‘more than friends’ chemistry..
There were some other people around, can’t remember who and what but I had some quiet moments with her.
We talked, and talked some more, then I kissed her.
I couldn’t resist, even though it wasn’t the right timing.
She was intellectual and deep, she was a good girl with a good heart, she even had this sex-appeal on top of that but a mild one, like a seductive angel.
Why wait? It’s the party of life happening right now!
Let’s flow, let’s go, let’s fall in love like there is no tomorrow!
Her kiss was off, she didn’t really kiss back.
It was passive and cold, and I couldn’t feel the intimacy and heartiness I was looking for, but maybe I was too blind or hyper to even notice at that moment.
I was a bit overwhelmed but just a little bit, I guess I can simply say that I wanted the moment to be enjoyable and memorable so much but I tried to force it, maybe in this ‘superman’ approach..
Living inside my own made up movie.
She wanted to go home so I escorted her half the muddy trail until the first lights of the neighbors could indicate her way back.
We sat on a boulder next to banana plantations, I wanted to kiss her once more, maybe we could get a bit closer..
The kiss was frozen, she closed her eyes but I guess her eye balls were rolling and wondering “What is he trying to do”
You see, a gorgeous girl like that, travelling in South-America must be harrassed numerous times on a weekly basis and probably starting to distrust manlihood: Not because we are bad, no because we are horny but maybe because our intentions are not deep as she would wish them to be, or maybe it’s not even about intention but about the basic attention to respect a woman, to know her, to love her, to listen to her, to let her feel safe and then evertyhing would effortlessly become this ‘Brazilian Beach Summer Love’ we all watched in the cinema and want to experience for ourselves.
I don’t remember exactly what I asked but she responded something around that: “You’re such a great man, but you’re acting like a stupid boy. What a waste”
The words don’t really matter, I knew exactly what she meant.
But it took me 4 years to understand it.
Only when ‘superman’ crashed, and was locked on a boat far away from everyhthing pleasant, he finally had the time to reflect and do some crying, maybe some self-slapping: “Wake up Cormoran, don’t open your eyes, open your heart!”
The magical thing is that when you’re crying, you can finally feel other people’s pain and give them the protective shoulder to cuddle with.
Maybe there is not even a good reason to cry, if we give the other person respect in advance because we are finally sensitive enough to love them.
And if we don’t want to love them it’s also cool, we are not walking love banks with endless amounts of resources to give everyone all the time.
But shall we remember that quality matters more than quantity?!
We are people not robots, we are human not supermen, we have beating hearts and they should lead us forward.
This lesson was out of reach for too long..
Only looking back now I can ask and say to myself:
“Did I truly treat her well, as a worthy woman deserving a real gentelman”
Nope, can’t say that.
Will I do better next time? I want to, which is a good start.
I am glad she finally sent me a little signal so I could recall her blue wet eyes in that moment and resonate with her on a deeper level. Ultimately understand her, understand women, understand intimacy.
“It doesn’t really matter if it’s a 1 hour monkey quicky on a beach or a lifetime marriage in a castle. Do it right, do it from the heart and if you lost your heart, go do some crying, it’s the best workout.”
I owe you a big hug.
Forgive me.
Thank you.
“The point is not be her therapist, but to be her wake-up call, her heart-opener, her reminder of the primacy of love.
If it takes you more than 5 minutes to open her into love, you’re probably talking too much or acting too little. Or, perhaps you’ve forgotten your true purpose” David Deida.
