I Cried Watching A Movie Today
True Story
Trey Songz — Talk About It
I don’t wanna talk about it
I don’t wanna talk about it
I don’t wanna talk about it
I don’t wanna talk about it
My mind is so heavy and time doesn’t let me think about shit
So much stress in my life that I’m holdin’ inside, then I think about this
Do you know the feeling when you’re listening to a song and it literally menifests your emotions and thoughts?
When it’s playing, you can almost sing and mean it, just like you wrote it yourself.
Some of those lyrics are indications of things we don’t want to talk about but when it’s someone else’s song, we don’t really need to take full ownership of those statements and it’s easy to keep on missing a heartbeat without ever opening up.
It’s liberating because we can feel identified, we can express the stress or joy that we’re experiencing on a deeper level.
All we ever wanted was to be understood.. but how could we be understood if we never share our bankrupting hearts?
Can someone hear us?
Mama..
Papa..
Sister..
Brother..
Son..
Daughter..
Best friends..
Lover..
X lover..
Roommate..
Colleauge..
Manager..
F*ck-buddy
Stranger..
Whoever..
Who is around, available and empathetic enough to contain our sorrow?
We are strong and capable to face life’s adversities, but even a lion, ‘The Loin King’ needs some petting quality time with his fav lioness to enjoy intimacy and chill under her feminine power.
Rhythm & Blues is my favorite dancing genre.
R&B, In other words it’s originated from sad music with added beat.
It’s the emotional bond that takes you on a dancing journey.
Today, I was warming up for my daily dancing session..
I was playing Talk About It by Trey Songz and my eye balls rolled white.
With every bass and every word, I could effortlessly flow with my body.. the body was talking for me with fluent movements I didn’t even choose myself.. it felt so good, so real, so me.
I don’t need to hide, I lock the door and I shake whatever groove to whatever move.
I breathe deeply, I let go and I see my poor reflection in the wooden closet.. shining someone I am afraid to be or to be seen as myself.
Naaa.. it’s someone else.
Instead of writing I felt lazy, especially lazy hearted..
I have done my quarter-year summary and it became a full blow to the soul.
I have found myself rap-writing (without stopping, without thinking) for about 4 pages. The writing was overly spicy, I couldn’t even re-read it.
I was bombarded and needed a break from the Heart-Body-Building.
Damn, why is it so hard… the muscle doesn’t seem to grow as my triceps, it involves endless erring and trying..
When enough will be enough in order to face life’s ordeals?
So I turned on the TV and was looking through the ship’s memory drive.
Something I don’t do often as I should.
I stumble upon some BBC Documenteries about Wildlife, Africa, Geography.. and it didn’t speak my vibe.. I was looking for something that would tickle me inside.
After a few minutes of shuffling movies, I decided ‘The Brothers’ would be the one.
I took my clothes off and watched the movie with underwear on the bed with juggling balls to play with — I wanted to feel like a kido, and so I felt.
During the movie I was so intrigued, I even watched some parts twice..
I was missing heart beats and I took long breaths..
At some point I thought to myself, what would I do when the movie is over.. I actually like to live in this movie.. I don’t want to go back to life.
The fights,
the love making,
the betrayal,
the war zone,
the kids playing,
the killing,
the brotherhood,
the lies,
the family hugs,
the screaming,
The shooting,
The laughing,
I was with them at every move.. and it made me cry 3 times..
I was overwhelmed when it flooded me.
What wassssssss that?
Before you know it starts to vibrate in your tummy, like starting the engine of you car, and then it climbs up your throat and you cry, damn I cry what is it…
I neverrrr ever cry.
But here is the problem.
We all deserve to feel the protection of someone we trust and cry in their arms.
When we feel lonely and isolated.. physically or even emotionally.. we don’t get to cry.
We hold everything inside and it is burning us alive..
But the thing is that we can keep on holding it.. we play a very nice show to the outer world: we are happy, we are healthy, we are brave and strong.
I am sick of being brave and strong, literally sick.
I am having a bad allergic response to the mountains of pressure I am keeping inside.
That’s why I started writing, that’s why I can’t stop dancing..
That’s why I bursted in tears in front of an American drama movie?
The body will do the crying for us if we don’t let it out..
That’s the thing, we cannot escape it..
After the most hellish 4 years of establishing @Rosemary Dream I know it, I feel it, I cry it.
5 years of Navy SEAL service just made me tough enough to endure the hardships, but nothing could ever train me to contain an uncontainable mess.
Should I feel shameful or shameless?
Or maybe I should just acknowledge we are humans and we all seek intimacy, a protective dark place under the blanket where we could all whisper our pains, our misery, our uncontainable sorrow that is killing our hearts and minds on a daily basis. Just because we said it’s nothing, I’m good.
Enough with excessive bravery.. it destroys the world and brings piles of unnecessary arguments, fights and conflicts into every situation.
I stop today to act like a flawless model, I publicly dare to fail, to cry and to commit to try.
The world is begging for some considerate and compassionate leaders.
We all had enough of loud, aggressive and overly confident ones..
Bring your chrisma from a place of connection, not of fake admiration.
Can you be a soldier of love?
One that dares to open arms for free hugs, not fluffy and hypocritical ones, but damnnn human warmth that peels of layers of defensiveness!
Who are you trying to defend? A false image? A lying hero?
Go out there and shout off the roof that you are a worrior because you have a heart and if your heart is big enough, it should contain others that feel just right to let it out and cry in your arms.
So are you going to play it cool and demonstrate ruthless ambition?
Or are you going to play it warm and gift organic intimacy?
When I finished the blog I decided to ask my ‘Commando’ colleagues: When was the last time you cried?
You probably think they said: Big boys never cry.
Actually the opposite occured:
They opened up and shared it humbly.
One cried upon humiliation: being punched in the face, but the tears came out only under the sheets, alone and terrified..
The other cried upon deep connection: waving his mother goodbye with his family, flying away from their native island. The tears came out honorably, being hugged.
Well, that’s touching and worth mentioning.
The Covid-19 quarantine times are inviting us to hibernate and clean this heroic sh!t from within.
Let those extra kilos off your soul.. peel it off, we don’t love you for the serious face you wear and not the misleading smile you swear not to erase.
Cry, it’s all good.
We want to see you, yes you.
